


just let me know, i'll be out the door

by flowerswithme



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, M/M, Mental Illness, PTSD, Steve helps Bucky through a tough morning, Stucky - Freeform, soft steve rogers, the boys deserve each other!!!, we love healthy relationships!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 14:58:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18640435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerswithme/pseuds/flowerswithme
Summary: Bucky is having HYDRA flashbacks. Steve wants to help, but Bucky refuses. Steve gets through to him with the help of a sketch and song lyrics.





	just let me know, i'll be out the door

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i wrote this based off of harry styles' "meet me in the hallway" because it's a peaceful song that is a tear jerker and i love me some good, hopeful endings.

That feeling was coming back. The never-ending paranoia that HYDRA will always have him in their grip. Always carrying the label of "The Asset." He knows this feeling, the overwhelming darkness, the quick rising and falling of his chest. His ribcage echoed with the quick beats of his heart. Breaths coming out in huffs, trying to inhale as much oxygen as possible before it's taken from him again.

His hand reaches out for anything to hold onto, anything to remind him that he's no longer the Winter Solider, to remind him that he's James Buchanan Barnes. Flesh meets cold cotton when he decides to grasp onto the sheets. One side of the bed he's in is cold because Steve isn't there. Steve. _His_ Steve. Steve Rogers who he pulled from the river. Steve who sleeps with him every night with a hand over his heart. Steve who is currently running with Sam. Wilson. Bucky's friend.

Bucky slowly climbs out of the bed and makes sure to swallow up his surroundings. His feet make contact with the cold hardwood floor, sending small chills to his overheating body. Photos of teammates and family accent what would be a pastel blue wall. The _clink clink_ of cool dog tags touch his bare chest and he remembers Steve putting the chain around his neck, "You'll always have me," he promised.

Steve was patient. That's the only word to possibly describe his whole demeanor about their situation. A brainwashed, assumed-dead ex-lover shows up to fight him on a Helicarrer and the man recites their childhood vows. The stubbornness in Steve's love was sturdier than the shield he dropped for Bucky.

A small, sad chuckle leaves his lips, fading off till it's silent. The dark then finds a way to hold his morning hostage again.

" _Mission report._ " Bucky quickly stood up to address the environment. That voice was almost too clear for it to be a hallucination. Quickly striding to the door, he locked it and stood against it, preventing any monsters from seeping in. Sinking down to the floor, he stared long and hard at the window. Sun spilled easily through the cream curtains and he could feel it's kiss on his skin. Did he deserve that sunlight?

He quickly reigned his thoughts back in as fast as possible. Sam said he wouldn't progress while thinking negatively. Sunlight is good, it gives him vitamin whatever. He is allowed to enjoy the sunlight. And so he does, letting his toes uncurl, letting blood flow to keep him alive. His flesh hand combs through his hair, making a stop to rub at his temples. He's tired. That's Bucky's demeanor about the situation; tired of HYDRA, tired of the medicine, tired of different therapists, tired of making everyone else tired.

" _Mission rep—_ "

"Stop it!" His breaths began to sound ragged and choked, like there wasn't enough space for air and security in his lungs. That same fear of being put in that chair slowly began to dull the present. His mind eerily dissolving into the putty HYDRA used to mold him into the monster he never chose to be. "Please," he begged, "stop."

The heavy _thud thud thud_ that reached his ears had moved throughout his body. With a hand over his heart, he feared it'll jump out of his chest, runaway just like every other sense of his.

"Hey, Bucky?" Steve's voice slipped underneath the door. The thuds were only Steve knocking, his heart was still his. He moved his back into a corner near the door, afraid he'll hurt Steve.

"Stevie, I'm not good right now, just go away," he gritted through clenched teeth. His chest tightening with every word.

"You having flashbacks? A panic attack? I'm not leaving you like that." Goddamn it, Steve, always trying to save the other. Bucky makes a mental note to teach him about self-preservation.

"Steve, just go, I'm fine. I just need some time, 'kay?" In reality, his hands were shaking with fear and want, he so badly needed to feel Steve's stupid hands run through his stupid hair and get rid of this stupid feeling.

"C'mon, Buck, lemme in, lemme help you," he pleaded. Bucky heard his sighs, he hated the pangs of guilt that came along with these episodes; it's not that he didn't want Steve's help, he's just tired of being everyone's ghost to look out for.

"Listen," another pang of pain, "I'll be alright. Sam taught me a little thing to keep it at bay, I'm just making sure I don't hurt you in the process." Bucky hates admitting he's afraid of himself. He insisted on going back into cryofreeze, but Sam and several other professionals told him that the trigger words were useless to him. That didn't mean he didn't want to be numb. He felt his cheeks become moist with sweat. Or was it tears? Eventually, everything blurred into something bitter.

A dull knock is heard outside the hall, and Bucky knows Steve is doing his 'I'm not leaving till you come out' bit.

"Stevie, c'mon, don't wait around for me, I'm alright, get some breakfast, yeah?" Bucky felt himself shaking even harder and tears were coming out faster. He wanted to scream _please, don't go, I don't know how to fight by myself anymore, I still need help, I'm lost and wanna come back home._

And yet, here he is, silently crying in a corner. The silence Steve is giving him is almost irritating. Through the crack underneath the door, Bucky can see Steve's shadow and the way he's just not moving. Or maybe he is, it's hard to tell, but either way, it makes Bucky want to open the door. Makes him want to watch Steve fall through and then lay on him and ask him to brush his hair.

A slip of paper slides underneath and Bucky almost slaps himself for thinking that Steve would be silent. It's a rough sketch of Bucky's eyes, they're almost painful to look at, filled with tears and a fading spark. The words _just let me know I'll be at the door, hoping you'll come around, just let me know I'll be on the floor, maybe we'll work it out_ accent the bottom along with a doodled heart.

Bucky remembers the words from a song Parker was playing around them after they picked him up from school. The words and chords rang so deep in his spirit that he didn't even notice he was crying until Peter and Steve were trying to hold his hands and calm him down. Peter then promised to download that song onto his music library for when he needed it.

"Did'ya have to tug my heart strings like that, babe? With your perfect sketches and that Styles guy?" Bucky smiled through the tears. His heart did this weird sensation where it ached, but in a soft, comforting way.

"You don't gotta fight this on your own anymore. I know you want space to keep me safe," Steve sighed, "but you don't have to get by on your own, Buck."

Bucky straight up laughed. "Stevie, baby, ever noticed how the tables have turned?"

"What d'ya mean?" He heard him shift a little more.

"You tellin' me I don't gotta get by alone. Sounds a lot like someone back in the forties talking to another stubborn someone." With each word, Bucky found the tension in his back and shoulders easing.

"Yeah, well, I made a promise and I'm gonna keep it. I knew in every lifetime, I would come and find you. Whether it's fighting Red Skull or helping you through a panic attack, I'm always gonna find you."

This time, Bucky could feel he was crying. He felt his heart beat with the familiar rhythm of 'welcome back.' Slowly climbing away from the cold corner, he reached for the doorknob and unlocked the door. _Please come in_ , he thought.

"Is that your invitation for me to come in or to warn me you're coming out?" Bucky felt Steve's eyebrow raise through the door, and it kinda made him want to lock it again, but this wasn't a reprimanding, it was joking, and he needed a smile. Or to see his best guy smile.

"Stevie, will you hold me?" His voice rising above the lump in his throat, making him want to cry harder. "Please?"

"Of course, Buck, don't gotta ask." Steve slowly turned the knob and walked in. He crouched down to gather Bucky into his arms and hold him. "You ain't getting rid of me that easy." He peppered small kisses against his temple and in his hair as he leaned against the wall. Bucky rested against his chest and praised God above for the serum that made Steve radiate some extra heat into Bucky's cold core.

"I'm sorry, Steve, I'm tryin' real hard." His left hand was clenching and unclenching, a tactic that kept him from getting lost in his head. His right hand rested in Steve's palm. Steve didn't say anything, but instead, took it upon himself to hold onto Bucky's trembling hand. It was a silent, _I know, and it'll be okay._

As Steve rubbed small circles into Bucky's back, which was full of knots, he felt his eyes start to droop, and let his head rest against Steve's chest. His mind and body were being taken off to a dreamland that smelled like their laundry detergent and felt like sleeping on his supersoldier husband.

"Buck, how about we take a nap out on the couch, yeah? So you don't feel so locked up in our room." Bucky could only let out a soft "okay," but if he was being honest, he could be back in his HYDRA cell and not care, him and Steve were safe and finally back together, and that's what matters to him.

Before being carried off to the couch, Bucky pulled Steve's dog tags and kissed them. A small act they did back when they were fighting off Nazis. Steve gave him a soft and warm smile, "I'm proud of you, Buck." Whether it be Nazis or their PTSD, they vowed to get through anything together.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you SO much for reading! i hope i did this story justice:-) i wrote this as a lil thank you to my girlfriend for being my Steve in situations like Bucky's. commments and kudos always encourage a starting writer like myself to write more so thank you!!! all the love<3


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